This is not how I pictured my future, when I was 6, just 30
short years ago. Pretending to be a
bride with my Strawberry Shortcake pillow case, marring Barbie and Ken and
sadly Donnie and Marie (who knew they were brother and sister!) For as long as I can remember I dreamt of the
day it would be my time. My time to have
an amazing man love me unconditionally, even when I can be a brat (like my mom)
or disconnected (like my dad) Still there was someone out there who, one day, was
going to love me! Just Because! Because
I was cute! Because I was funny! Because I was caring! Because I have always
been the best me I could be. And as far
as I was concerned, what was better than being married to the man of my dreams
and wearing a white dress and having a big car take me to the church for dad to
walk me down the aisle, the only thing better than that dream was that I was
going to have babies, and my first daughter was going to be named “Mandy Molly”
after my Cabbage Patch Kid! She was going to have pig tales too… And not to
mention I was going to stay home in my beautiful house, with the white picket
fence and raise the kids, clean the house, do the laundry and cook dinner for
my most amazing husband. THIS was a certainty
in that little innocent 6 year old brain.
Well…. That has not happened YET! The experiences I have had looking for my
dream life have left me jaded and alone and bitter! Oh so bitter! And when I
realized I had to tweak my dreams, at the age of 30 I bought a children’s
clothing boutique, this was going to be my baby, I was going to make my own
life, why doesn’t everyone just open a store, it was easy and fun. I chose what
we sold, I chose who worked there, I chose our hours and our pricing, and it
was mine, all mine. Until it
wasn’t. Apparently you need a lot more than
a big dream and great intention to own a store, like money! This is not very easy to come by, so after a
year and a half I closed my dream. Walked
away and had to start all over again. I
was dating a great guy at the time (so I thought), he offered to marry me, at
the town hall, right then and there as I sobbed uncontrollably about my
“failure” But I was not getting married at town hall, what about the pillow
case, and the church and the big
car? So he just let me cry it out, then
he left a few months later, and I was left to cry that one out alone. So again, I had to reinvent myself… who am I?
What do I do? Questions I did not have the answers to. So I found a job, with a great company and
work in an office, in a 4x4 cube every day, all day, to make a salary to get
by, punching in and out, until it’s my turn, when will it be my turn? I have managed to fill the time waiting for
my life to begin with one wrong man after another and more and more dreams
getting squashed. I have dubbed myself a
commitment-phobe, it’s a great excuse for dreams to not fall apart when you
don’t have any anymore. So here I am, a
36 year old single woman, no Ken, no store, no white picket fence, no Mandy
Molly and no passion. Always asking why
not me, where is my dream life, the one I was sure of when I was just 6 years
old. It’s time to get away from the pity
party, if you don’t change, nothing will, right? Now as I sit in my one bedroom apartment in my
grandmothers basement, with my guinea pig (yes I have a guinea pig) I reflect
on what I do have, what I have accomplished and what IS SURE TO BE AN AMAZING
FUTURE… Why? Because I SAID SO!! I have
a great family, my parents what nothing but the best for me, my grandmother
would move mountains for me, my 2 sisters and brother-in-laws have given me the
greatest gift a woman could ever ask for, 5 nephews who are the most amazing
boys you will ever meet and they just love their “Aunt Gia” They have become my “why” Why I work so hard,
Why I have dreams, why I will succeed, Why I have a guinea pig! So I have recently gotten involved with a
network marketing company, whose mission is to educate people about safe and
effective products for the skin. I own a
business again! And this time I don’t have mortgage my soul to have it. I still work my day job, for now, but I work
MY BUSINESS when I want, where I want and with whomever I choose to work
with. I have made amazing friends and
amazing leaps and bounds in my own personal growth. It all stems from my favorite poem when I was
in college “Comes the Dawn” “Plant your
own garden, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers” So now I have realized life is up to me. I
may not get Ken but you can bet your ass I will have my very own Mandy Molly
one day, weather I go to the cryno bank or the adoption agency, I have much
love to give and I would be selfish to keep it to myself. I will have the white picket fence, and the
big front door, and I will have a successful business! And maybe even another guinea pig one day J but most of all I will
have me and I will continue to be the best me I can be! gina.beautycounter.com
Comes the Dawn
Veronica Shorffstall, 1971
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes open,
With your head held high and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in midflight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you can really endure,
That you really are strong
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn ... and you learn
And you learn and learn ... and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
